If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
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They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Mornin
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.