If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
You Might Also Like
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
❤️🦆
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”