if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
You Might Also Like
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing