If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.