If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
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According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed