If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
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The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
twitter users today:
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
What?!?