If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.