If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
You Might Also Like
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My dog learned how to text
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.