If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
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I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Yes, but it was never about money
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Guilty! 🤪
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”