If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
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“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
the #horror is real!
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it