If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
You Might Also Like
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service