If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???