If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
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Care for your back
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
one of
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history