If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.