If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
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How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.