If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
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“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*