If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
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dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.