If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
The best plant holders?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth