If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy