If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
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Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations