If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

You Might Also Like


I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.


One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying


Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.


PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)


I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.


I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.



[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets


If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.