If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.