I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.