If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
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I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos