If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
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woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.