If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.