if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes