If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
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I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.