If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
felt cute might bury dad later idk
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.