If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
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Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.