If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
You Might Also Like
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I can fix him.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Whoa 😂
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.