If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Bill is short for Billiam
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
thanksgiving in nutshell
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
a god among men
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.