If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
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How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.