If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
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Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
But is it really??
Monica just destroyed the internet
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I feel it
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
O Wise One….
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no