@SimuLiu

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

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@juneohara65

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

@mjkspeaks

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

@AmishSuperModel

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

@TweetPotato314

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

@RyanofAvalon

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.