If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
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My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
what is cheese if not milk persevering
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.