If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?


ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant


Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”


Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.


One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.


Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?


Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.