If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
You Might Also Like
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Is this you?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Give a baker flours on your first date.