If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
You Might Also Like
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”