If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…