If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
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If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”