@Proxic0n [date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
@RobSprance If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
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@Proxic0n 
@H0TMessBarbie I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
@101Racey Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
@XplodingUnicorn I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
@FrenulumBreve Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
@david8hughes [first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
@Tbone7219 If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
@cellapaz non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
@Crunch11b I self medicate, therefore you live.
@bearcub577 Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.