If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
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Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…