If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

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“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek


I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.


Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.


[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything


If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….


non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?


Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.