If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately