Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

Guys, I found it.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.