If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
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Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.