If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
You Might Also Like
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I have a type: disappointing
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.