@tpurvis06

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

You Might Also Like

@KateWouldHaveIt

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

@tobestewart

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

@AmericanGent69

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

@kyry5

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

@CynicalTherapi1

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

@panmidwest

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

@LibertyLayne01

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

@SuperRandomish

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.