If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

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Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>


[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”


Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.


The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.


Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.


ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books


Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago


I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.


Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.