if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
i wish we could shoplift online
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”