If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true