If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*