If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.