If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Air conditioning – not a fan
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
crying
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.