If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.