If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
i hate you platonically
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.