If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
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I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory