If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
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i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?