If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
You Might Also Like
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Omg 🤣
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right