If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?