‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

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Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.


I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body


Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.


I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.


I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.


Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences


This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.


Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?