@No_1BullshitGuy

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

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@rad_milk

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

@awkwardenabled

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

@HomeProbably

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

@Jandalize

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

@J_Illunninati

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

@LuckoftheDraw86

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

@pmclellan

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

@Marlebean

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

@ficklenuts

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better