If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
You Might Also Like
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”