If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.