If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
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[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Very problematic
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
best first i’ve ever seen